Guide to Vampirism
So you’re undead now… The do-s and don’t-s of vampirism By A. van Pyre What can and what can’t a vampire do? What hurts him and what does not? There are enough legends, books and movies around to confuse just about anyone, especially the newly fledged undead. This handy compilation should fill you in easily enough and tell you all about the places the hip vampire of today simply must know. First of all, there are a few things to be avoided like a moth should avoid the fire *Fire, obviously. You burn as well as anyone. Maybe even better. *Sunlight. A single ray will cause third-degree-sunburn, at prolonged exposure you’ll just burst into flames. Hanging out in the shade is more or less fine; it just makes your skin look red, itches and makes you thirsty *Wooden stakes through the centre of your circulatory system (that’s right, your heart). Don’t try. It kills you dead. *Some, but far from all, vampires develop a spontaneous allergy to garlic or silver. Experiment on yourself, but don’t overdo it. It’s practical to give the living folk a “reliable” test in any case. With just about anything else, you should be fine. Weapons will cut you like anything, but you heal quick (yes, even severed limbs will grow back, you just need some blood). It will, by the way, still hurt. Drowning? Have you checked your breath lately? That’s right, you don’t breathe. Poison is no problem, not even drinking from poisoned people – that will just make you feel slightly inebriated. There are still a few things you should or should not do: *Drink regularly. You’ll just turn into a bloodthirsty animal otherwise. *Don’t tell the peasants who or what you are. Those pitchforks hurt! *Don’t produce too many other vampires. You’ll just ruin it for everybody. *Find a good sleeping place for the day. You can stay awake, but it takes effort and practice, and you certainly don’t want to move about too much. Still, can’t hurt to be seen after sunrise occasionally. *Don’t eat too much. Your body won’t digest it (and why should it?), so you’ll just vomit it out eventually. *Drink human. Animal blood works (you need about ten times as much, and do you really want to drink a whole horse every day?), but it will just leave you hungering for the real deal (fairies, elves, gnomes and giants work as well as humans, but are harder to find). *Don’t drink other vampires. It’s just impolite. *Don’t listen to the voices in your head. No one else can hear them. At least not the same ones. But we all have them. *Don’t count everything. You can walk away, if you really want to. Incidentally, there are 477 words in this document until here. (Seriously, you will have compulsions to count the strangest stuff) *Get a coat-of-arms. You’re a Nobody without one. The drop of blood is already taken, though, as are the vampire fangs. Speaking of drinking: It is possible to learn to let your victims live, but don’t expect the first ten, or twenty, or fifty, to survive. Some people never learn it. Anyway, why bother leaving witnesses around? Blood does not go bad as such (incidentally, we have a wide range of flavours available as gum), but nothing beats the fresh stuff. So, after all that pesky advice on what not to do, what can you do with that cool improved body of yours? Quite a lot, actually: *Super strength: You’re about three times as strong as you were as human *Super speed: The same goes for running, jumping, reflexes… *Super senses: Night vision, infrared vision, great hearing and smelling… tasting and touching, however, get a little worse (warning: can lead to problems when combined with super strength). *Super nourishment: You are a blood camel! You can go for up to two weeks without eating, if your last meal was a big one. *Super hypnotism: With a little practice, you can make those lowly mortals do your bidding – at least for a while. They always wake up too soon. *Super role model: Teenage humans adore you. *Super fangs: You can pull them in, and they’re better than any straw for drinking blood! *Super indestructibility: Apart from the above mentioned thing, nothing can kill you. NOTHING! *Super unscrupulousness: Your human prejudices about what’s right and what’s not will evaporate soon enough. That’s it! Congratulations, you have just graduated from the A. van Pyre school of vampirism. We’re finished here, and now you know all you need to know to be a shark instead of a sheep in this world of ours. Happy hunting! Category:Intime Category:Vampires Category:Broken Shovel